Look, it’s not always comedically-placed “fucks” and poetry and PT wins over here. Many days–most days–are a huge battle with my mental health.

Including today.

And this one is dark.

On these darker days there are two very loud battles going on in my head at the same time. 

One sounds like this:

Don’t go there.
Do not go there…
It’s not healthy to go there.
Stop that thought!
What tools do we have?!: One day at a time! Just get through the day! Try a walk! Call a friend! This is hard! It’s allowed to suck. Look at what you do have! You are so loved! My Unlikely Friend’s voice – “This is not the last time this is going to happen. What are you going to do when it happens next??” “Feel my feelings! Remind myself one day at a time! Call you!”

It feels like a chaotic duck beak-deep in a box of crumpled up papers — flapping, digging, tossing — trying to find the one thing that will stop the other part of my mind from going:

i am so alone and will be forever, everything hurts, i’m not calling My Unlikely Friend, i’m not calling anyone, i’m so tired, i was supposed to hike 20 miles today – i won’t be able to do that for a year, i can’t even walk a half mile, everyone’s life is better than mine, i don’t have [insert anything here], nothing will make this feel better, why didn’t i have kids, i wasted a decade of my life in my marriage, why was i so career driven, i guess i’ll fucking live alone forever, am i going to die, i should just blow all my money now, where the hell am i going to live in a year…

Which then reverts back to the first thought:

DO NOT GO THERE. Watch your mindset. This is just day five… day six of your chemo cycle! Remember last time! It was hard then too! You’re fine!

But, fuck.

This does not feel fine.

This is really hard.

Battling into two cancers on the heels of a divorce with 15 years of generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder under your belt just fucking sucks.

And this perfect 70 degree weather is making a mockery of it all.

Like, everything out there is great. And I’m here on my couch trying to find the one thing that will literally just get me through the day.

That’s where I was before all this started – in a space where I’d crawl into bed at night, pet my dog’s head and say, “Good job, Toby. We made it through the day.” 

Because sometimes that’s the biggest win. 

I survived the day.
Check.
Another one down.

And falling asleep holding onto blind fucking faith it will get better, eventually.

Right?

My God brother/cousin whatever the hell you want to call him came over last night. He and his wife have this thing they say to each other that I just love. Instead of bidding each other adieu with a “have a great day!” they say to each other, “have the day you have.”

Have the day you have.

Can you imagine?

What a relief.

To just let it all suck if it needs to suck.
To let it be awesome if it wants to be awesome.
Permission for it just to be.

Just a day to be had.
One day at a time.